make a website


any website is fine. it's not so much about the content of the website than it is about the creation of the website. you're putting something out there, from your head into the world. it gives you a feeling of slight accomplishment despite the fact you're only doing it to distract from the fact you're semi-willingly letting your life crumble around you as we speak.

why are you letting your life crumble around you? well, you don't really know. that's where the semi- comes in. you're pretty sure it's a combination of severe underpreparedness for college (you never thought you'd actually stay in), a underdosage of adderall for basically the entire semester (the nurse was worried about your heart rate but he didn't think of your grades, and weirdly neither did you - so much for that weird performative loyalty you have towards it), never fully recovering from your burn-out last semester, and a fear of being rejected and having to live with the knowledge that you did fail, and there really is nothing you could have done to fix it. better to say "oh if only i'd gone in...." a few years later than know you irreversibly fucked up.

but still, staying in this bed doesn't feel very good. and as nice as having this website is, working on it doesn't make you feel as productive as you know you should be right now. the boy you like added you back on facebook. but the boy you like is probably gay. you're pretty sure he identifies as queer but he never talks about girls, so like. not that he's talked about guys in front of you either, really. you don't know him that well, but he's cute and he has very good taste and in general he's the white bi man* you wish you were (whether he fits any of these terms is tbd. maybe. if you come back). him being gay shouldn't really matter. after all you're pretty sure you are, too. but would he even get that? he seems accepting of people like you, but maybe you'd just be too out there, too weird or just plain unconvincing. not that you want to convince anyone of anything. you feel more like a mirror - you are a reflection of whoever is percieving you. so is everyone else, but like, you're embracing it, sort of. it's fine for the most part - you don't have much of an allegiance to anything at the moment so you really like the concept of a transient identity. but the thought of his reflection not being congruent with yours really, really fucking hurts. he added you on facebook though, so maybe you have a chance.

wow. you are so very obviously a college student in their 20s. this entire thing that's happening right now is so amazingly college-student-in-their-20s.

what were you saying? oh yeah, the adderall. you should take 2 of the 10mg pills you have so you can actually accomplish something other than knitting a scarf or building a website (well, two websites, but who cares about the other one right now). take a shower, clean your room. see what's next.

this wasn't supposed to be what this was but god, is anything these days? anyways, you guess it's what you needed. you're in no place to help others anyways, even sarcastically.

you're already feeling more productive, although it's certainly not because of the adderall since you just popped it a few seconds ago. maybe it's a placebo or just from the act of doing something with an actual goal in mind. your productive thoughts are mostly about the website but still. maybe this can be an about page, like an introduction to the site. ~wecome to my twisted mind~ sort of set-up. or maybe you'll just use it as an online journal. you don't think that's a good idea, though. your original plan for the site, a place where you can document your attempts at being normal for the benefit of others also trying to be normal, is a pretty good one. yeah it'll obviously journal-y aspects to it, but it's also structured enough that you don't end up rambling like you are now.

you gotta admit though, this is a pretty good introduction to where you're starting from - not actually rock bottom (there's no life or death shit happening here) but in terms of like, the ideal life pathway, you're currently letting yourself veer pretty far off the track, and you were alreay starting from a pretty shitty place. there's pretty much only one step left in terms of totally and utterly failing at what you dreamed your life would be ever since you were a kid, but there's kind fo a freedom in that there's very dangerous. like, fuck, you're saying if i just let myself fail one more time i'm free? no more obligations, no more expectations, just doing what works best? sounds awesome as fuck.

but you know you'd hate it. mostly because it'd happen in michigan, and fuck that place. need cars to get around fucking everywhere, and no one is gay except in ann arbor, and ann arbor is too far away from your place. nothing but love to detroit, of course.

anyways you should probably go shower, but you hear your roommate outside and you're worried she might judge you for being in pajamas at 4pm when you should clearly be in class. although you could also have been such a good student you don't need to take the optional exam, and your first class today ws optional so like. technically you could be fine. but you're not. and you're worried she'd be able to tell - no, you know she'd be able to tell.

no you don't. take a fucking shower.